How to own your power with your language.
As a woman, have you ever found yourself apologising for asking for something that you are 100% owed? Or undermining yourself with phrases like ‘I’m no expert…’ and ‘I may be wrong…’? If not, then let me buy you a drink. Because research has shown that this ‘out-of-power’ language is enormously common for women. And it needs to stop.
Typically, we soften our language - especially in the workplace. According to a report by Victoria Nash on Gender Language in the Workplace, this is because ‘women’s speech patterns are expected to fit neatly into “tentative” speaking, thus affecting the acceptable language they are allowed to use in the workplace.’
So, we hold less space. We make ourselves smaller; less intimidating. But, in doing so, we also hand our power over to our male counterparts and tell them that it’s okay to talk us down, patronise us, take the credit for our achievements… The list goes on.
Some of this comes down to habit. If we see others using this type of language, it’s easy to follow the trend. There is also the underlying fear that if we are too bold with our language, we could come across as ‘bitchy’ or ‘aggressive’. This is, of course, compared to our male counterparts who would be seen as strong and determined. And lest we forget that we women have centuries of history whereby we had absolutely no political or human rights - one wrong word and our safety would be torn to shreds. Silence was safety.
Save from turning the patriarchy on its head, how can we take back our power and pour it into our language? I’ve pulled together my five top tips for paying better attention to your language so that you can command more attention in the workplace.
1. Stop apologising. Like, right now.
I’m not telling you to never own up to your mistakes, but we need to stop apologising for things that we have no reason to say sorry for.
Picture it. You’re self-employed and a client hasn’t paid you - for the fifth time in a row. How often do you preface your nudge with ‘I’m sorry to ask, but…’
NO. You are not sorry! Strike it out.
Or you’re in a meeting and you don’t understand one of the points that have been made. Would you say ‘I’m sorry, could you just repeat that?’
We apologise for everything. I’ve even said sorry before when someone has stood on my foot on the tube, as if my sheer presence was the reason it happened.
Instead, save your ‘sorrys’ for the times you actually mean it. You do not have to apologise for having an opinion, or a question, or asking for what you are owed… Or existing!
A great example is responding to an email chase. Swap:
‘I’m sorry for not replying yet’ to ‘Thank you for the reminder.’
You’re still acknowledging the fact that you hadn’t yet replied, but you aren’t apologising for your busy schedule and competing priorities. Job done!
2. You don’t need to soften your points.
Another common language tool for women is to soften their points. Even when they know that what they are saying is sh*t hot, they chuck a few extra words before or after it which, in turn, fully diminished the impact.
For example:
‘I’m no expert, but I think it would be great to…’
Or;
‘I would love to take on that project, but I know there are people you may prefer to work with.’
And how about;
‘I know you have all been working on this for a super long time, but I wonder if…’
You👏 don’t👏 need👏 to👏 explain👏 yourself. By softening these points with qualifiers, you are immediately planting the seed that you:
Are NOT an expert (so why should they listen to you?)
Are NOT the best person for the job (and you’d be a pain in the arse to work with)
Do NOT have a worthwhile point or a voice that anyone should pay attention to (so see ya later)
Harsh, but that’s just the way the human mind works… Particularly when you’re putting your point to your male colleagues.
It may not feel natural, but try to avoid these phrases and embrace your confidence. Because you DO have a voice that needs to be heard. You need to believe that yourself.
3. No more ‘justs’!
It’s one of the most pointless words ever, and yet it’s so flippin’ overused.
The second you add ‘just’ to a sentence, you start to sound defensive. You retract the importance of what you’re saying and even sound apologetic (...again!).
Compare the difference between these sentences:
‘I just wanted to check if you received my email?’
‘Have you received my email?’
‘I was just wondering whether we could talk about my pay increase?’
‘Could we talk about my pay increase?’
I know that many of you reading this will have now felt a sudden wave of nausea - because this isn’t how we normally speak, is it? But the vast majority of the time, men do. So, what’s stopping us?
First of all, we don’t want to come across as too forceful; to be seen as forceful could lead to us being unlikeable. We see this in what is known as the ‘double-bind’ of language in the workplace. If we shift away from the gender stereotypes of soft, almost timid language, we may be perceived as strong leaders… But, we could then be disliked by our colleagues. As a result, we tone our language down in order to conform to expectations. However, this means that our colleagues may not look to us as leaders - it’s a vicious cycle.
Secondly, as women we are four times more likely to engage in ‘double-voice’ discourse. Dr Judith Baxter (in The Language of Female Leadership) said that this is when we assume that someone will respond negatively, so we use a qualifier to minimise the risk and shield our insecurities.
Thirdly, it’s our good old friend self doubt. If we feel insecure in our position we may use language that reflects that uncertainty. Unsurprisingly, this does little to strengthen people’s confidence in our abilities.
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4. Actually, nothing.
The word ‘actually’ makes us sound surprised by what we’re about to say.
For example:
‘I actually don’t agree with you…’
‘I actually think there’s a better way…’
‘Actually, I had a thought…’
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you - or anyone - that you disagree, or that you have an idea, or that you have a positive suggestion. Why wouldn’t you? This one seemingly inconsequential word sucks the power straight out of the point you are trying to make.
It’s a word that can feel like a bit of a tick, and it could take a while for you to scrub it out of your vocabulary. Pay attention to your communication over the next few weeks and try to spot how many times it comes up. I think you’ll be surprised.
5, Find new ways to communicate warmth.
I don’t want you to get to the end of this article and think that in order to be successful in the workplace, you need to be a bit of a… Well, you get the gist.
While I think that it is crucial that we are all unapologetic in our roles and within our power as women, I think you can do so while maintaining the warmth of your personality; if you want to, that is.
There are many ways you can do this:
You can write how you speak
You can add light (or, ahem, a shed load of) humour into your communication
You can create a warmer, friendlier sign off (and greeting!)
You can think about your body language
You don’t have to embody a corporate robot in order to strengthen your language use. You can still be you… But, you with a much-needed dose of self belief.
Download my FREE instant confidence boost bundle to help get you in a powerful mindset so you can feel ready for stronger, more powerful language.