Three habits to STOP for more confidence in 2020.
It’s now officially the start of a new decade. Social media, news outlets, and pretty much every magazine on the shelf are now awash with ‘NEW YEAR NEW YOU!’ messaging at every turn. I’m also officially over the concept – anyone who is telling you that you need a new (read: better) version of yourself because the new year has begun is trying to sell us something. And that something is usually reliant on feeding our insecurities. Instead of new year, new you, here’s my take on some habits that are good to stop doing to help you feel like your best self in 2020. As they’re all habits to form (or undo) they take some mindfulness and practice. Consciously think about stopping each one of these every time it comes up for a couple of weeks to start feeling a shift.
1) Stop saying “should”.
I'd love for us all to let go of saying 'should', for good. We all use it a lot but it's rooted in a bunch of negative things like judgement, lack, and failure. Every time you say it, you're reminding yourself of what you're not doing/feeling/thinking and the message is that you're not good enough, or you're failing, which gets you stuck in a self-defeating cycle. Saying ‘should’ won’t convince you to change your job or go to the gym or find a partner. They're all based on expectations - either yours or other people's - and using 'should' inherently tells you that you've somehow failed because you haven't done these things.
Instead, give yourself a gift and ask yourself what you actually WANT and what makes you feel good. If you're saying 'should' to someone else, think about what expectations and internal stories you might be imposing onto them and how you can let that go. If you can re-frame as a positive, you're more likely to achieve it, and then you can work out what you might need to do in order to get there.
2) Stop comparing yourself.
The world we live in now is one where comparison is pervasive – social media in particular has made seeing an edited, filtered, highlights reel seem like real life. Next time you’re comparing yourself and find yourself lacking, remember that you don’t know what’s happening under the insta-life that you’re seeing, and instead bring to the forefront all the brilliant things about your life. And honestly, if you’re regularly feeling bad because you’re not living up to someone else’s edited reality, sometimes the best thing is to stop following them altogether.
3) Stop being sorry.
In the least shocking news ever, it’s statistically proven that women apologise more than men. Now, I’m not saying here that apologising is bad – it isn’t. Saying sorry when you’ve genuinely wronged someone is the right thing to do. However, over apologising can affect your confidence and authority which is why bringing awareness to what you’re saying sorry for and why can help. Notice how often you say sorry and why. Bump into someone in the street? Sure. Take more than twenty minutes to reply to a non-urgent what’s app? Maybe not. Start to think about this when you’re in a work scenario – you can still be polite while also using more confident language.
“Sorry but I was just wondering whether you could send me the report that I need?” can become “Could you please send me that report that I need?”.
Give them each a try – they’ll take a little practise and some mindfulness, but if you can keep bringing your attention to these moments these little things will start to make a difference.